Let me explain.

She usually stops in at Tim Horton’s on the way to the office. A creature of habit, like the rest of us, she finds it easy to fall into routine where thought is not required. The same way to work, the same drive-through Tim Horton’s, the same coffee. Well today, damn it, she thought, no! I will change it up. It may not have been an earth-shattering change, but it was a change nevertheless, an indication that she was making conscious, deliberate decisions, not living by rote.

And did this small shift in behaviour, this tiny adjustment in destination, culminate in one of those moments which results in a big payoff for a small amount of effort? Did this small act of change provide an aha moment for my friend who felt empowered by making a conscious, deliberate decision about her behaviour? Um, no.

Apparently while trying to actually get to Starbucks, she ended up on the wrong side of the 401 highway. Did she decide to abandon her new choice in favour of habit and comfort, and drive straight to Tim Horton’s? No she did not! She carried on, determined to change up her morning. Defiantly, she drove through the Starbucks drive-through, ordered her soy-latte-frappucino-no-whip-low-fat-mocha-whatever (I don’t drink coffee, can you tell?), and proudly handed the cashier her debit card. Of course the cashier had no idea that my friend had broken out of her morning routine, that this single act was one of empowerment and personal delight. The cashier didn’t know that. The cashier did know that my friend’s debit card was declined. And so my friend put her $4 coffee on her credit card.

She reached the office, powered up her computer, was getting herself organized, when the phone rang. It happened to be the bank, telling her that her account was overdrawn. (Insert sardonic stare here.) Undaunted, and determined to enjoy her mocha-mess the way it was intended to be, she put the cursed drink in the microwave, put it on for 30 seconds, and the contents promptly exploded. spewing foam on all six internal surfaces of the microwave.

Moments later, my friend, having related her adventures to me to the point where I had tears running down my face, was happily sitting in her chair, sipping the bottom two inches of what was left of her Starbucks coffee. She had changed it up and she was proud.

It never hurts to shake things up a bit, in fact, it’s good for us. Is it always like it is in the movies when a “moment” is about to happen? Epic orchestral music, slow-mo visuals, a satisfying sense of accomplishment? Not always. Sometimes it’s burnt foam all over the inside of a small kitchen appliance that requires a great deal of elbow grease and steel wool to correct. The result is not the thing. The intent is. When you make a conscious decision to change it up, you prove you’re alive.

You know, I love watching the Oscars. I predominantly watch it for the gowns rather than the actual movies. My favourite of all time? Halle Berry’s 2002 Elie Saab masterpiece. It still makes my knees weak. My favourite this year? A tie between Sandra Bullock and Anna Kendricks. Both beautiful and elegant. But I digress…

I believe this obsession with celebrity culture has gone far enough. This near-pathological need to know the latest gossip, personal failure, and scandal of the rich and famous has gotten pretty out of hand. Pardon my cynicism but I think if you have “handlers”, you don’t have any right to have a breakdown. Now work three jobs, raise two children, and keep your sanity relatively intact, well THAT deserves an award.

For us boomers, well, we’ve been around the block a few times. Certainly enough times to have had a few challenges. Challenges that we couldn’t correct with spin or a trip to rehab. And yet, we had to keep going. I had to perform on stage just weeks after my brother died. I pulled it together. Some of us have had to raise children, keep our judgement and parenting skills intact, while being so tired we couldn’t form complete sentences. And then when a kid woke up sick, we had to dig down to find an even deeper well of strength. Some of us have had to get by on $5 for a few days before the next paycheque. Some of us have had to be there for sick parents, emotionally demanding teens, suicidal friends, and challenging jobs even though our own resources were so depleted we abstractly wondered if we had actually already expired from exhaustion and were simply moving on residual adrenalin.

And yet we did. So to all of us who are just ordinary folks, but who have done extraordinary things under crippling circumstances without aid of handlers, people, or staff, or more money than God, I would like to present this virtual award. Congratulations, we deserve it!

Now, if only I had an Elie Saab dress to go with it….

By middle-age we have honed our bad habits into highly developed patterns of behaviour; we’ve had a lot of time to practice. By this age-and-stage, there is often at least one area of our lives which requires great attention to make it right. Let’s use me as an example with an entirely hypothetical “problem area”: finances. My boss recently told me that if I put even half as much effort into my finances as I did into my personal style, I’d be rich. And he is right. One of my passions is fashion (who knew??), and I have the full walk-in closet and hefty Visa bill to prove it.

I could spend my time doing a number of things. I could beat myself up, berating myself for spending money I didn’t have on things that weren’t necessary (although I would argue that a pair of red, patent-leather t-strap pumps are as vital to my survival as, say, water is to yours). I could also blame external forces. If only my children didn’t need food and clothing. If only my children had decided that they wanted to work full time at 17 rather than further their education (how selfish of them). If only it didn’t cost so much to live in this city.

I could spend a lot of time pointing a finger at everything and everyone else. Of course, when you point 1 finger, 4 more are pointing back at you. Which is where the accountability begins and ends. Yes, there are times when external forces we didn’t expect, ask for, or choose become part of our experience. Our accountability then is, what did we do with that experience? Did we ask more victim-mentality questions? Did we rant and rave about how unfair life is? Did we have too much wine and watch too much trash tv? (Oh wait, that was me.)

No, damn it, we did not. We behaved like the mature, reasonable, gracious adults that we are. We took stock of the situation, we strategized our best plan of action, and we calmly moved forward. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

Because in the end, knowing where you are, and how you got there are the cornerstones of change and progress. You cannot move forward in any productive way without knowing where you are, and understanding the steps - right or wrong - that brought you to this point.

So back to my hypothetical problem. Years ago, unhappy in my marriage, I turned to a new love. Clothes. We had a fabulous, illicit relationship, my clothing and I. I couldn’t get enough. I mistakenly understood the fleeting joy of a new purchase as contentment. Of course, that joy passes quickly, and so I needed to repeat the behaviour. For the first 20 years of my adulthood (20 - 40ish), this was my vice, my undercover joy. After my divorce and the subsequent Kraft Dinner and tuna years where I worked 3 jobs and it was all I could do just to keep food on the table, my vice was instantly no longer important. It wasn’t even an option. When you have $5 to your name and you are trying to decide to buy 5 more boxes of Kraft Dinner or put gas in the car to get to work, purple suede Mary Janes simply aren’t part of the equation.

Once the kids and I were through that time and we had enough money for luxuries like fruit, I had to ask myself some hard questions or repeat the same mistakes. I hadn’t shopped for about 3 years. I can remember accepting a service award at our convention the first year I was back in the corporate work force (happily making enough money to work only one job) and I accepted it wearing a cardigan I had picked up at Goodwill because I didn’t have a jacket or blazer. That photo is still on the wall at the office and I see it every day when I arrive. And it reminds me every day of where I was, where I am now, and just how far an internal journey that has been. Because I asked myself some hard questions, I found the answers, and then came the effective questions.

Why did I over-shop (fill in your own vice here: eat, drink, sleep around, gamble, game, watch trash tv, etc)? To feel joy. Because I was lonely. What was the result of this behaviour? Not having adequate resources to comfortably support myself and my children after my divorce. Whose fault was all of this? Entirely mine and mine alone. Recognizing all this brought clarity, and with clarity came the effective questions, the answers to which I still live by (I don’t think that’s actually a sentence, but let’s move on.)

What can I do to improve my situation? Create a workable, reasonable budget. Exercise self-discipline. Keep my eye on the big picture goal of financial security in favour of fleeting fun. Purchase a few pieces each year, and replace others when they wear out. In truth, it isn’t even difficult. After recognizing that filling my closet was a substitute for personal contentment, I put a plan of action into place to honour the effective answers. I then set off on the journey I am currently on: to find and experience all the joy that I can through discovering what I am passionate about on a deeper level than fleeting fun. Those answers are starting to materialize, and they surprise me: service to others on subjects I care about, being a participating member of our global community, inspiring myself and others to live passionately every day.

Today, determine if you need to ask yourself some hard questions. I would, but I’m off to the store. Sadly, there is damage to the heel of one of my shoes that cannot be repaired. What a shame.

This is something we can put into practice every day. Even if we can’t achieve all our goals this day, this moment, we can take steps towards them. And how do we now the steps are in the right direction? Because you are taking steps as a result of asking yourself an effective questions.

What can I do right now to move myself closer to my goal? What one, little thing can I be doing? This is a far more effective question than, say, Will I ever get to my goal? Will things every get easier? Will anyone ever help me? If those are the questions you hear rolling around in your head, girl, thy name is Victim.

Despite your means, your resources, your location, your family, you can decide right now to replace victim questios with effective questions. Because no matter what else is happening in your life, you always, withou fail, have the option to decide how to react. That is your power, and nothing and no one can ever take it away.

Effective questions ask things of ourselves, not others. Effective questions put the power in our hands, not others’. Sure, there is a lot to be said for coupledom, and family, and synchronicity. In the end though, you are the one writing your book, helming your ship, charting your course.

Here’s an effective question for today: What one thing could I change right now, no matter how big or how small, that would make a positive impact on my life? You don’t even need to do anything about it. Just think about it and let it roll around in your head for a bit. If you’re listening, it’ll sort itself out

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Every system has cycles. Cycles of lack, cycles of plenty, cycles of discovery, and of expression, and so on. My readers know that I have been through a very dark cycle over the past year, one of grief. I have basically spent my non-working time on the couch, a glass of cabernet at my side. And while the experience was, I believe, a necessary one (the winter of my soul as it were), the results are a newfound passion for life devoid of all nonsense and drama, and a much larger butt. Super.

I believe that personal growth does, and should, be ongoing. I think each and every one of us is pure potential and our only real mandate is to find that which makes us different, makes us special, and share that with the world in a constructive and positive manner. For instance, I’m very good with a big roller brush and blow dryer, and I’m happy that I can bring significant joy into the lives of those around me when I expose them to my incredible hair. I’m currently working on finding a mandate which is a little less…..superficial. My shift in focus is that of fashionista to passionista.

So despite the daily steps we take to be better people and offer more to the world, there are those times where a significant event, perceived as either positive or negative (although Eckhart Tolle would argue, kindly, that it is neither; rather it simply IS and should be relished as such), forces such introspection and subsequent personal growth as to move from one plane of perspective to another. These huge leaps in paradigm occur during those darkest, most bleak times, if we only look for the lesson within the experience. And sometimes, the lesson simply IS to experience.

For instance, every day I try to be a better person than the day before. This tends to occur in small ways: Today I will actually push my grocery cart back to the little hut and make it easier for the parking lot guy, rather than leaving it beside my car so the wind can catch it and ram it into someone’s Lexus. Or, today, I will take the stairs at work rather than the elevator. Little things, that add up to a lifetime of being accountable and responsible for ourselves.

Or, I can experience a great loss, and use the painful but necessay downtime to really examine my priorities, and make great changes accordingly. So, rather then focusing my energy on things beyond my control (like, let’s say, my grown children), I decide to refocus it on myself and - oh, I don’t know - start a blog.

My point it, it really is darkest before the dawn and that is to say that sometimes you unable to experience the dawn if you don’t experience the darkness.

Now on to the downside (or backside - ha!) of those dark, winter periods of soul-searching and internal change and growth. A bigger butt. Yes, after just over a year of sitting around thinking, thinking, and thinking - and did I mention thinking? - I have come out the other side with a much clearer picture of which direction I want my personal journey to take (goals), and of the horse I am going to ride to get there (plan of action). And I have a much bigger butt to settle into the proverbial saddle.

There comes a times when the thinking has to stop, and the action has to begin. Thinking itself can become your only form of activity. Thinking, at some point, needs to transform into intention, which needs to transform into action. That is the order in which your personal journey should occur, and all three facets need to occur for maximum success and effectiveness.

And therefore, I am going to ensure that I take my clear mind, thoughtful purpose, deliberate intention, and accompanying butt, to the gym.

If, in fact, we focus on defining ourselves in relation to another, we set both parties up for failure. First, we get no closer to knowing ourselves, and second, the other individual is bound to disappoint us if we see them as defining us, rather than something entirely separate from us. It is a no win situation.

There is an interesting quote, recently spoken by Michelle Williams in Vogue, where she said “We should become the man we want to marry.” In fact, this was paraphrasing a Gloria Steinem quote: “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry”. I think in Gloria’s case, she meant that women were making strides in all aspects of life and she saw this as a rightfully positive thing. I think in Michelle’s case, she meant that we cannot put our identity in the hands of another. It must be self-contained, and, when formed to the degree that it is discernible, shared with another if desired.

I don’t know myself very well. I have spent 49 years focusing on others, and not because I’m a caregiver by nature. I am not. I grew up in an alcoholic household and became adept at putting other’s feelings and needs over my own. I left at sixteen, having had enough of the instability. I moved in with my then-boyfriend, and we spent the next 20 years together, and created two wonderful children, Search and Destroy. We divorced ten years ago, and remain the best of friends. What happened to the marriage? Well, I could blame him but that wouldn’t be correct. I could blame the fact that I was too young. And that may be partially correct. I didn’t know myself at all. All I knew was that I was unhappy, and it was very easy to blame him. Long story short, it’s been ten years, and they have been a struggle as a single parent. Not a lot of time for self-reflection when you’re wondering whether to spend your only $5 on gas or food. It is only in the last couple of years as life has become stable and comfortable that this persistent restlessness has surfaced.

For the past seven years, I have been dating a single father with two children who are younger than mine. True to form, since Search and Destroy are now adults, much of my focus has been trained on my surrogate family. Somehow, I’ve managed to spend almost another decade without getting to know me. At the risk of sounding selfish, enough is enough.

I will spend this next year getting to know myself. I will congratulate and commiserate with myself as necessary. I will take myself out for dinner. I will buy me flowers. I will give myself high fives. I will, indeed, become the man I want to (someday) marry. And in so doing, I will bring a whole person to the relationship table with no expectations of my partner other than to allow me to be me. No other expectations are necessary as I won’t need him to define me. I’m not sure, because I don’t know me very well yet, but I think I might be “the one

I woke to glorious weather and a day of possiblities. I wanted to celebrate the beginning of my 50th year on this planet - what to do? Well, I started with room service, said to hell with my healthy diet plan, and ordered crispy bacon and home fries. Mmmmmm. I then set about Googling the Smithsonian. Interestingly - but not surprisingly - I browsed through the Washington Post while I ate and discovered a whole section on museums and what curators are doing to encourage new patrons. I had already decided even before I left home to visit the Smithsonian but with limited time, which exhibits to see? The universe really does provide what we need when we need it - we only have to ask. I laughed out loud when I spotted the special section of the paper outlining three museum routes. Deciding on the Museum of Natural History and the Museum of American History if I had the time, I dressed myself in comfortable (but fashionable - see my blog subtitle) touring clothes, and grabbed a ride into downtown DC.

Ukla, my longtime boyfriend (Google Ukla the Mok - he’s a ringer for my guy), had potentially planned to travel with me but it didn’t work out. Disappointed at first, I trusted that this is the way it should be. Interestingly - but not surprisingly - it turned out to be so meaningful that I was alone and here’s why. First, this journey of self-discovery is just that. It’s mine and no one else can do it, or even share in it, with me. It’s wholly internal. Second, being entirely on my own meant that my experiences were potent and personal. They were not watered down in any way by others’ opinions or input. I didn’t have to consider or accomodate. I could focus entirely on my own feelings and reactions. That was my birthday gift to me.

One of the exhibits in the Natural History Museum was the Sant Ocean Hall. Towering above fascinating and well-laid out displays, is a full scale model of a North Atlantic Right whale. Her name is Phoenix. She is beautiful and breathtaking. Gazing up at her, I felt tears in my eyes at her sheer beauty and magnificence. I could have looked at her all day. But there was so much more to see. Another highlight occurred at the entdomology display. A stoic, very patient and knowledgeable entomologist had three specimens on display. One of those bugs which looks like a leaf, some huge, rainbow-coloured grasshoppers that miraculously didn’t jump away, and a trio of hissing cockroaches. I watched as fearless children gently held and squealed at the insects. I’m not afraid of bugs but I don’t go out of my way to have dinner with them either. But, as this is the year of taking risks and self-discovery, why the hell not? And so I put the large, inquisitive beetle on my forearm, and filmed as he walked up to my elbow. He tickled. I called him Jeffrey. And then I carried on, quite happy with myself that I did something where my first instinct was to pass on the experience. I then visited the Museum of American History where I thoroughly enjoyed the exhibit on sea travel (hmmmm, do you see an ocean pattern emerging?). Next it was off to the Washington Monument where I simply sat and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Neon spots of colour buzzed throughthe sky as giggling children ran here and there with kites. And I enjoyed the fact that I sat alone, taking it all in, and making it my own.

The whole day was a rejuvenating and empowering experience. Today I am heading out to run errands and I will pick up a photo album. It will be my “50th year” album where I will record and document the journey of this year, culminating with my 50th birthday in October 2010. The first entries will be the Washington Post museum story, as well as pictures of Jeffrey.

What will you do for yourself today? What private experience - big or small - will you make your own?

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My day has started wonderfully. I am going to live my life the way I need to right now – self-care being the priority. I want to nurture my relationships, enjoy my work , and take care of myself, not necessarily in that order. I have read a couple of things that really opened up my mind recently. I think I mentioned the part of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that gave me an aha moment: when he said (and I’m paraphrasing a lot): “we are not our stuff (our physical bodies), we are the space around the stuff”. You’ve read this, yes? I just finished What God Wants by Neale Donald Walsch.  Fascinating book and very much in line with my spiritual beliefs. The aha moment I had in this book (since I already agree with his ideas about a spiritual God) was when he said that people look for external experiences to generate feelings. It’s not the activity that is the end result. We do “whatever” because it invokes a feeling in us and that’s the experience we want. I found that fascinating. He goes on to say that (because God is us and we are God aka lifeforce aka universe aka energy – we are absolute, pure potential) we have the ability to manifest any feeling we want in ourselves without the external stimulus. And he’s absolutely right. I can close my eyes, and I can visualize how I feel when, for example, I’m at an action movie, and I can experience those feelings. This goes hand in hand with the belief that when we affirm, our subconscious does not know the difference between what’s real and what isn’t. All of this made me realize we are using our physical bodies simply as the instrument through which to experience stimuli which then induces the desired feeling. It made me realize I am so much more than my body. Being a results-oriented person, it has been difficult for me to separate ”me” from my body. It is simply the instrument through which I accomplish everything. It has been a challenge for me to see that I really am a spiritual being having a physical experience, rather than a physical human having occasional spiritual thoughts and experiences. That is a huge paradigm shift for me. And it gives me great comfort. It makes me feel substantial and powerful, and not dependent on, or limited by, my physicality.

At the same time, I realize the value of having a healthy vessel through which to work to achieve my highest self – which is what I think we’re all here for. Thus the focus on self-care. I realized yesterday that if my life up to this point were to be compared with an airliner which lost cabin pressure, I have been running around making sure everyone else’s oxygen mask is on, ignoring my own decline. Time to put my own damn mask on!

To that end, as today is the first day of the rest of my life, I woke after 8 hours of sleep (only interrupted once by our yowling cat parading around my room – I didn’t lock it in the laundry room because my son has been sleeping in the rec room and being so sick, needed his sleep). I stretched, had my juice and vitamins while I let the dog out, and then I went for a 30 min walk around the pond. Wanting to be an observer of my own life as part of this journey of self-care, I took note that I started out the walk thinking “I need to get this done so I can move on to the next self-care activity!” and then stopped myself…..

Oh, the other thing (I knew there was something else) I read in this book was that we really only do have the current moment in which to live – we have to live in the now. I already knew that. But, he said it doesn’t matter what do you DO in the current moment, it matters how you FEEL. I am such a “doer” that this is a completely different way of thinking for me, and a little overwhelming. K, back to my morning….

…I stopped myself from simply “accomplishing” my walk and switched my mindset to “enjoying and being present in” my walk. And I enjoyed it tremendously. I felt relaxed and happy.

I can see that being aware and mindful of my choices, and taking care of myself is going to take a lot of time and effort. And I guess that’s also why it’s easier just to maintain the status quo, even if we’re not progressing

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That’s enough philosphy for now, dear reader, because it’s (Canadian) Thanksgiving, and it’s time to make some food to share with my family. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Let’s count our blessings and celebrate life, love, and family.